For a long time, I thought being able to say “yes” was one of my strengths.
Need help? Yes. Want to jump on the phone? Of course. Need to confirm something, attend a meeting, solve a problem, consider a decision, or set aside time for a conversation? Absolutely.
I truly believed that was part of being a good leader. I think leadership is about being approachable. I believe that leadership is about being able to respond at any time. I thought leadership meant saying “yes.” I wanted to be there if people needed me. If there was a problem, I wanted to help solve it.
The problem was that eventually all the yeses added up. And that’s when I learned that no one tells me what “yes” means.
All “yes” will finally show up on your calendar
At first, it doesn’t seem like a big deal. I have a meeting here. I have one request to make of you. One project. One promise. None of them themselves seem particularly demanding. In fact, most of them seem perfectly reasonable. The problem is that Calendar evaluates all requests individually while processing them collectively.
Looking back, I didn’t fail because I didn’t try hard enough. I was working really hard. I didn’t fail because I didn’t care. I cared deeply. I didn’t fail because I lacked commitment. If anything, commitment was the issue.
I was committed to so many things that my attention was split between dozens of priorities at the same time. Ironically, I was trying so hard not to disappoint people that I slowly started to disappoint everyone. Nothing catastrophic. Death by dilution.
I would show up to meetings less prepared than I wanted to, respond later than I wanted to, and give important projects whatever energy I happened to have left over after everything else was done.
From the outside, it probably looked productive. My calendar was full. My days were busy. There was always something going on.
But from the inside, it felt like I was always running half a step behind. I was rushing from one appointment to the next, bringing unfinished conversations into new ones, and thinking about what’s next while I was doing my current job.
People around me have had access to me, but they haven’t always received the best version of me. At the time, I didn’t realize that these two were completely different.
It wasn’t burnout or a dramatic moment of realization that ultimately changed things. It was something much simpler.
I started to realize that the people who do the best work aren’t necessarily the busiest people in the room. They didn’t try to be in it all, they didn’t try to be in it all, they didn’t try to solve it all, they didn’t try to be in it all. They were selective. It’s not selfish, it’s selective. There is a difference.
They understood what I had completely missed.
Every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else.
We may not know what it is yet, but the trade-off is coming.
That’s the part most of us ignore. We see an opportunity and ask, “Could I do this?” That’s almost always the wrong question. A better question would be, “What does this prevent me from doing?”
Those are completely different conversations.
Can we squeeze in one more meeting a week? Perhaps. Can I take on another project? most likely. Can I attend one more event, join one more group, or volunteer for one more responsibility? The usual.
But eventually, all these personal decisions begin to compete with the things we claim are most important: family, health, deep work, thinking time, rest, relationships.
Important things rarely disappear all at once. One commitment at a time gets crowded.
That’s what I had to learn in the end.
Saying no doesn’t mean you’re no longer useful. It was meant to be more convenient.
For years, I treated all requests as if they deserved equal consideration. The results were as expected. My best energies were spread out among too many priorities. All received some level of attention, but few received the most attention from me.
To be honest, some of those yeses had little to do with helping people. They had more to do with avoiding discomfort.
By saying yes, you can avoid an awkward conversation. By saying yes, you’ll avoid disappointing people. If you answer “yes,” you will feel helped in that moment.
Saying “no” requires something else. You have to accept the fact that you might not get the answer someone was hoping for. It is necessary to accept that not every opportunity is yours. It is necessary to believe that guarding your attention is not selfish. it’s necessary.
I think this is one reason why leadership becomes difficult as responsibility increases. If you have the ability, people will bring you something. People will give you more if you can trust them. If you succeed, people will bring you more.
The reward for being effective is often being asked for additional time. This means that as your responsibilities grow, the ability to say “no” becomes increasingly important. Not because the opportunities are bad, but because your abilities are not limitless. No one gets extra time just because they need it.
Lately, I’ve been saying it less than before. It’s not because I don’t really care. It’s not because I don’t want to help much. It’s not because I’m less committed to those around me.
I just learned that attention spans have limits. Time is limited. Energy is finite. Each item is valuable, and each item can only be used once.
If you spend money on everything, you’ll end up with nothing left to spend on the things that matter most.
The funny thing is, saying no doesn’t make me a worse leader. It made me better.
My work has improved. My concentration has improved. My relationships improved because the people I was helping understood me better. They caught my attention, not what happened to be left over after everything else had played its part.
Once I stopped trying to be available for everything, I finally became fully available for what was important.
For a long time, I thought leadership meant saying yes. In hindsight, I think leadership often knows which yeses deserve nos.
Because the goal wasn’t to do everything. The goal was to do the right thing and do it right.
Keith Robinson is co-CEO of NextHome, Inc. and co-host of Real Estate Insiders Unfiltered. Follow the Real Estate Insiders Unfiltered podcast on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, or TikTok and subscribe to our YouTube channel.
