Fernanda Fabian, 30, is non-monogamous, and her partner of six years is monogamous. They found a way to make their relationship work. Fabian is open to ending the relationship for a while if he feels they need each other.
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This told essay is based on a conversation with Fernanda Fabian, host of the podcast Polycurious. Edited for length and clarity.
My partner of 6 years is monogamous, but I am not. I learned that both people don’t have to be monogamous or non-monogamous for a relationship to work.
I met my partner Seth at Burning Man in 2018. We were in the same camp of about 120 people. One night we were at the campsite after dinner. Music was playing and we both found ourselves walking to the middle of the dance floor to introduce ourselves. We talked for 15 minutes and then decided to play that night. We connected very quickly. I remember after we played, his friend asked him, “Why didn’t you tell me about your girlfriend?” He said, “Oh, because we just met 15 minutes ago.” It’s a cliché to say, but it felt as if we had known each other for a long time.
I brought up non-monogamy early on.
The second night after we met at Burning Man, I told Seth that I wasn’t monogamous. I told him I had a friend who was not monogamous and was interested in having an open relationship. He said he could have an open relationship. When he said that, I thought he was saying he was open to my side, how he would support me in doing what I want to do, even if it’s not about me. It meant being open to thinking about things.
After Burning Man, he went back to San Francisco and I went back to New York, but we stayed in touch. Two weeks later, he came to see me in New York, and two weeks after that, I visited him in San Francisco. We dated long distance for nine months before Seth moved to New York in 2019.
About a month into our long distance relationship, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I thought it was cute that she said “yes”. I realized that for him, being his girlfriend meant being exclusive. So I asked him, “Does this mean I can’t have sex with other people?” He said, “Oh, that’s what I mean.” We discussed it further and he said I wasn’t ready to date someone else yet.
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About six months into our relationship, he told me it was okay for me to have sex with other people, but only with people I had already had sex with before I met him, and only with people who already had a partner. I said it was only with him, and only when he was around. We were far away because it was a long distance away. After a little over a year of dating, we’ve reached the ideal stage where we can date someone we like more regularly. We started dating once a month, then once every few weeks. We are free now, but we will discuss it if necessary.
I could tell Seth was jealous and having a hard time when he first dated someone else. Being with someone else reminded me how great Seth was, so I either went home wanting to connect with him, or I had a very pleasurable experience on a date, sexual or otherwise, and that experience I wanted to recreate that with him. However, Seth found it odd that I wanted to connect with him after the date and was a little aloof at first. When we talked about it, he said it took him longer to get over the feeling that I had just come back from a date with someone else.
We have a partial “don’t ask, don’t tell” system when it comes to dating. He knows I went on dates, but he doesn’t share the details of the dates and sometimes acts as if nothing happened. But if he knows the person I’m dating, he’s always willing to invite them to events or attend events where he knows they’ll be there. . I might not talk much about dating, but I’m glad he’s open to meeting the people I date.
My partner has the option to be non-monogamous if he wants
Seth has no interest in having a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone else and hasn’t had one in the past six years since our relationship started, but he has told me that if he wants to, he will. You have a choice. I get energized by being around other people, but Seth is an introvert and gets energized by being alone. I think his introverted nature allows him to embrace our dynamic. When we come back from spending time with others, we both feel recharged and ready to reconnect.
I decided to share our dynamic with my mom’s family. If you tell your mom about your date, she’ll say, “Don’t tell Seth.” I just tell her, “Mom, it’s okay, Seth knows.” My mom really likes Seth and doesn’t want me to hurt our relationship by seeing someone else. Until recently, I didn’t tell my dad the details of our relationship, not out of fear or judgment, but because sex and relationships were topics I’d never talked about with him before.
I am not monogamous, but there are temporary periods (usually about 4 months) when I am monogamous. Being non-monogamous has added to my life the ability to feel and pursue attraction and connection to others. But attraction and connection with others doesn’t always happen, so there are times when you want to focus your energy on something other than dating.
If for some reason we decide that non-monogamy is no longer right, we don’t want our relationship to end forever, but there’s always the option of having the conversation and closing the relationship for a while if necessary. can.
Do you have an interesting personal story about your love life or marriage? Contact us at cgriffin@businessinsider.com.
