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At work, you may find yourself stuck in a bad rut with someone, whether it’s your boss, a colleague, or a direct report. But if you want to turn that relationship around, where do you start?
Amy Gallo, HBR contributing editor and workplace dispute expert, says repairing broken professional relationships can improve your work life, but it’s not easy and requires first action. He says it might be possible.
In this episode, Gallo delves into the different types of relationship problems common in the workplace and provides steps you can take to move forward, starting with developing more empathy and reducing ego.
This episode originally aired in May 2024 as part of the HBR Guide video series. here it is.
Amy Gallo: Sometimes you get stuck in a rut with someone at work, whether it’s your boss, a coworker, or a direct report. Maybe there’s a rift between you, or maybe you just don’t get along. Or they just can’t seem to get over the bland, fun banter.
What can you do to turn the relationship around? Is it possible to start anew? The good news is that even the most strained relationships can be repaired. In fact, when a negative relationship becomes positive, it can create a stronger, more resilient relationship.
The bad news is that it will take some serious effort to repair the relationship. Instead of dealing with it, many people just lower their expectations. But hard work is often worth it, especially when productivity and performance are at stake. Here are some tips on how to repair a broken work relationship.
Susan David, author of the book Emotional Agility, says there are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to relationship issues. You may be what she calls an overly talented person. You’ve gotten stuck in a rut with your partner and can’t go beyond a polite daily relationship. Hey, how are you? At the other end of the spectrum, you might be what she calls an overachiever. This means you actively disagree with each other, walk on eggshells all the time, and never see eye to eye.
Once you’ve identified the type of broken relationship you’re dealing with, you can begin taking steps to repair it. Let go of what is right in order to move forward. Step one may be the most difficult hurdle to overcome, but it’s essential if you’re serious about getting your relationship back on track. You have to let go of your ego.
We often become fixated on who is wrong and who is right. The truth is, we all think we’re the right people, right? But even if you’re right, you can’t begin to repair the relationship if you’re distracted. Yes, you need to be a big person for this, but Susan David has some fun suggestions to help you with this.
She recommends imagining putting a big, thick sticker on the other person’s back that says, “I’m wrong.” That way you don’t have to point out what they’re doing wrong. you already know that. That way, you can focus on moving your relationship forward instead of taking it backwards.
Resist the tendency to analyze every negative detail that happened in the relationship, who said what, who said what, why they said it, etc. Please. This kind of rehashing is generally not productive. Instead, if you need to look back, focus on what worked before, what you like about the person, and specifically what you want from the relationship.
If the relationship hasn’t worked out so far and you can’t really find what you like about the person, focus on the last part: what you want. This will allow you to move things forward. And, as Susan David says, take a solution-focused approach rather than a diagnostic one.
One skill that really comes in handy here is empathy. It is the basis of all healthy working relationships. By asking yourself a series of questions about your coworkers, you create room for emotions like curiosity and compassion to enter.
How did they see things? Do they feel embarrassed, forced, misunderstood, or misunderstood? What do they want from the relationship? What do I not know or understand about them?
This inner commitment to seeing your coworkers in a different light can help you begin to reset the emotional tone of your relationships. Next, it’s time to take action and engage with the other person. Find common ground, both literally and figuratively.
When approaching the other person, make sure they are in a neutral area and not at your desk or office. Consider going out for lunch or having a virtual coffee date. Then, instead of arguing about what went wrong and who is at fault, try to create a space for consensus. Focusing on the bigger picture, such as the common goals you share or the challenges you both face within your organization, may make it easier for you and the other person to feel like you’re in this together.
Fortunately, it usually takes people very little time to realize that they look alike. But you need to know that not everything can be solved with one cup of coffee or one Zoom call. Small everyday events usually add up to create big changes. Susan David explains that real change in relationships happens not in such turning points, but in everyday actions.
Sitting down and talking can be helpful, but that’s not where the real work is done. You need to make an effort to change the tone and atmosphere of your daily interactions.
Don’t tell the show. All in all, no rational argument will prevail here. Brian Uzzi, a leadership professor at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management, says you shouldn’t try to make people believe you can be trusted by talking about it. Instead, demonstrate it.
One smart thing to do, Uzzi says, is to offer something without expecting anything in return. This activates the law of reciprocity and promotes the natural give and take that is part of the healthiest relationships. And be sure to keep your promises, as faithfully keeping your promises will deepen your relationship and prevent you from falling into distrust.
Leadership coach Caroline Webb says another way to build trust is to ask questions, especially questions that go beyond everyday life. People always find it rewarding to talk about themselves and share their opinions. The trick is to move beyond factual questions, such as presentation deadlines, to what Webb calls quality questions.
Instead of asking, “How was your weekend?” ask your coworker specifically what they did. And then follow up with something like, “That’s interesting.” How did that come about in the end?
If you don’t have a personal relationship, ask questions that show you respect the other person’s opinion. How do you think that meeting went or what are you currently working on?
The purpose of these questions is to establish metaphorical common ground, a shared psychological space focused on building connections rather than either.
Give and receive feedback. This tactic isn’t always possible, but if you feel like you’ve taken a fruitful step toward repairing the relationship and your colleague is open to it, it’s a good idea to give them feedback on the process. You can share your observations to improve future interactions.
People don’t always know how they will come across. If your co-workers’ attitude towards you regularly gets in the way at work, you may be providing them with news that is actually helpful and appreciated. Focus on behaviors you can control. Please explain how they have impacted you and your work to support change. Carefully constructed feedback can help them become more self-aware and more effective.
And of course, be open to hearing feedback yourself. If your co-workers see some things that could be changed, they probably have their own observations to share with you. Now, let’s review it.
Workplaces aren’t perfect places, and people are messy. But if you don’t get along with people at work, there’s no need to be afraid or intimidated by it. We can take steps to repair the relationship, and often the rough spots can result in a stronger, more resilient relationship in the process. We learn about each other and ourselves by making the next conflict less likely or at least more manageable.
There are some principles to remember and some things to do. Regain trust by giving your coworkers what they want and need. Talk about your relationship in a neutral manner. Try making subtle changes in your attitude toward your co-workers. This is where the real change happens.
And there are some things you shouldn’t do. Don’t get caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong. Instead, focus on moving the relationship forward and don’t expect things to change anytime soon. Repairing relationships can take time.
Thank you for visiting. All of the strategies I shared are from HBR articles linked in the description. Do you have any advice for repairing broken relationships or a topic you’d like us to cover in the future? Comment below. Goodbye for now.
Hannah Bates: That was Amy Gallo, HBR contributing editor for the HBR Guide video series. Gallo is a workplace conflict and communication expert and co-host of another great HBR podcast, “Women at Work.” Her latest book is Getting Within: How to Work with Everyone.
Next Wednesday, we’ll bring you selected conversations about leadership from Harvard Business Review. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with your friends and colleagues, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you visit us, please leave us a review. If you’re ready for more podcasts, articles, case studies, books, and videos from the world’s top business and management experts, find it all on HBR. organization.
This episode was produced by Amy Gallo, Scott LaPierre, Anne Saini, and myself, Hannah Bates. Ian Fox is our editor. Music is Koma Media. And a big thank you to Maureen Hoch, Nicole Smith, Erica Truxler, Ramsey Khabbaz, Anne Bartholomew, and you, our listeners. See you next week.
