When you understand what your brain is responding to (safety, clarity, empathy, consistency), you can stop trying to sell trust and start building trust naturally, writes coach Darryl Davis.
Years ago, when I was researching and writing How to Design a Life Worth Smiling, I spent a lot of time studying why people do the things they do and, just as importantly, why they don’t do the things they know they should do.
Before I go any further, I just want to say that I love the science part of this conversation. For me, brain science is not a theoretical thing. It’s practical. Let me explain how it works. And when you understand that, a lot of things that used to be frustrating or confusing suddenly start to click into place.
That includes trust.
Please join us for a moment. We’re going to dip into the science a little bit, but not in a lecture-like way. This is about what’s going on in your client’s head during the actual conversation, whether you’re aware of it or not.
Trust is like a dimmer switch, not a light switch
Most agents believe that trust works like a light switch. On or off. Either your clients trust you or they don’t.
That’s not how the brain works.
Trust works like a dimmer switch. It rises and falls based on dozens of small signals, such as tone of voice, pace, consistency, clarity, whether someone feels understood or under pressure. Clients rarely announce when the dimmer will start going down. They just hesitate. Stall. delay decisions. Please be quiet.
Just understanding that will change the way you approach the conversation.
The brain decides before the client decides.
The human brain is wired to assess safety and reliability almost instantly. This wiring kept our ancestors alive and continues to be wired today every time a buyer or seller sits across from us.
The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls judgment and decision-making, is constantly asking, “Can I trust this person?” are they stable? Do they agree with me or do they have their own agenda?
Here’s the important part. Your clients aren’t just valuing your knowledge; They are evaluating how you feel about them.
When your presence feels calm, clear, and consistent, your brain relaxes. If not, your brain will pump the brakes, even if everything you’re saying is technically correct.
Reliable chemical reaction
One of the key chemicals involved in trust is oxytocin. This is also known as the bonding hormone and plays a major role in reducing fear and increasing feelings of safety.
Just because it sounds impressive doesn’t mean it releases oxytocin. When someone feels understood, it’s liberating.
When a client feels heard, without being rushed, corrected, or subtly redirected, their brain responds. When you are talked to or feel pressured, your brain becomes nervous. You may not see it happen, but you’ll feel it later when you run out of momentum.
That’s why listening is not a soft skill. It’s a neurological thing.
Clients reflect more than you think
Mirror neurons are another interesting part of this equation. These neurons fire when we observe someone else’s behavior as if we were experiencing it ourselves.
Translation: Your energy is more important than the script.
When you are calm and grounded, your clients tend to reflect that. Even if your words are polished, if you’re anxious, rushed, or overly eager, that will come through.
Trust is not built by performance. It is constructed by existence.
How trust is actually built in real life
Most agents believe that trust comes from honesty, knowledge, and experience. These are important, but basic. Trust is strengthened over time through consistency and alignment.
Small actions can have big neurological effects.
Follow up when you say it Explain things clearly without being defensive Acknowledge uncertainty instead of glossing over it Slow down the conversation when the client feels overwhelmed
Each of these moments turns the dimmer switch up a little bit.
Simple, thoughtful gestures—a personalized message, advice that truly helps a client, even a check-in with no agenda—activate the brain’s reward system. Over time, these positive connections become even stronger.
By doing this, your clients will begin to feel stable towards you. That’s how loyalty is formed.
Trust is built by people in charge, not speeches
I have good news. Trust is not a personality trait. It’s practice.
The brain is plastic. The more you act with empathy, clarity, and consistency, the more natural it will be for you and your client. What initially feels intentional eventually becomes instinctual. And that’s when relationships stop being transactional and start to feel sustainable.
Trust cannot be created in one conversation. It’s built into how you show up in many small moments.
When you understand what your brain is responding to, like safety, clarity, empathy, and consistency, you can stop trying to sell trust and start building trust naturally.
That’s when the client leans in and the conversation deepens. And that’s when the relationship lasts long after the deal is over.
This is because people not only choose the agents they believe in, but also the agents their brains believe in.
